Writing a eulogy for someone you didn’t have the best relationship with can feel difficult. We’re used to eulogies being filled with praise, celebrating the person who’s passed away and the happy times that people had with them. Writing a eulogy will almost always feel hard. But it can feel even harder if the person hurt you or if you don’t feel there’s much good to say about them. Here, you can find some advice and guidance on writing a eulogy for a difficult person. Hopefully, it’ll help you find the right words to say a final goodbye at their funeral service.
Do you want to write the eulogy?
First, it’s important to note that you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Sometimes, friends and family of the person who’s passed away may put you under pressure to say or do certain things that you don’t actually want to. But you can always say no. This can feel difficult. But there’s no rule in place to make you go to the funeral of someone you didn’t like. Or read at it. You should prioritise your own wellbeing and avoid putting yourself under any undue stress. Find a way to get through the day in a way that suits you. This could mean:
- Not attending the funeral at all
- Attending the funeral but not providing a eulogy or reading
- Writing a eulogy or reading but getting someone else to read it out
- Asking someone else to write the eulogy but reading it yourself
- Writing and reading the eulogy at the service
Writing a eulogy for a difficult person
The right thing to write in a eulogy for a difficult person will depend on a lot of circumstances. You need to consider who’ll be listening and how the eulogy will make them feel. As well as weighing up your own values and how honest you want to be within the eulogy.
The most important thing to bear in mind is to be respectful. Funerals are an opportunity to pay respects and say a final goodbye. People attending will most likely be mourning and emotions can already be high without further hurt or upset being caused. If you can’t think of, or don’t want to, say anything nice or even neutral about the person who’s passed away, it’s generally better to not say anything at all.
Writing a basic eulogy for a difficult person
Your first option is to write a basic and generalised eulogy. This could be filled with facts about the person’s life, rather than anything personal that focuses on their personality or their relationships with other people. A sample eulogy for a difficult could follow this outline:
- When they were born
- Where they went to school
- What type of job they did
- If they had any hobbies
Get ideas from friends and family
If you want something more personal, but are struggling for ideas, it’s worth talking to other people who the person knew. They may have had better relationships with other people. People like colleagues, childhood friends or more casual acquaintances might have some nice memories they’d be happy for you to share.
Focus on happier times
Another approach is to focus on the better times you had with the person. If there were some good memories that you can draw on, or some redeeming parts of their personality, you can choose to talk about these. This could be something fun you did together, something nice or useful they once said to you, or a way they helped you or someone else while they were alive.
Be honest in a gentle way
If you feel that you’d rather be more honest in the eulogy, it’s possible to do this. You just have to be mindful of how you word things and the tone of voice you use when reading it out. Sometimes, a humorous approach can work. For example, “we all know ____ could be difficult at times” or “_____ wasn’t the easiest person to get on with”. If you take this approach, you need to make sure that you’re blending positive with the negative, rather than simply talking about how bad or unlikable the person may have been.
Draw on a poem or reading
Sometimes, it’s easier to use somebody else’s words rather than your own. If you’d rather not give a eulogy, you can do a reading instead. Take some time to look through funeral poems for difficult relationships. You might find something that you relate to and feels relevant.
Ask a celebrant to write the eulogy
If you’re not confident in your ability to write a eulogy, the person leading the funeral service can usually help. This could be a religious figure or a celebrant. You could give them some of the basic details outlined above and they’ll be able to put together the eulogy for you. They might also be able to recommend some appropriate poems or readings.
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