Valentine’s Day, like most occasions throughout the year, can come with a whole range of emotions when you’ve lost your partner. As the day approaches, it’s completely normal to feel anxious about the feelings you’re going to face and how you’re going to cope with them.
For some, Valentine’s Day will become a day where they want to remember their partner, still marking the occasion. For others, it will become a day to avoid entirely. Remember that everyone grieves differently, and the right approach for you could be different to what others find comforting. As years pass by, you may find that your lifestyle, wants and needs change, so your feelings around grief and Valentine’s Day can change too.
Here are a few ideas and suggestions that could help you cope with grief on Valentine’s Day and make the date just a little easier.
First Valentine’s Day after the death of your partner
Some people find that the first Valentine’s Day after the death of their spouse is the most difficult. Understandably so. It’ll be the first time you’re facing the occasion without your partner by your side.
It’s important to remember that grief isn’t always linear or predictable. Sometimes, it can present itself in ways you don’t expect, and you may find that one year you feel okay, while others can feel more difficult.
You could also find that support from family and friends can change over time. You might find that you receive more support for the first valentine’s day after the death of your partner, as the loss is more recent in people’s minds. But then you might feel like people become less supportive as the years go by, making coping feel more difficult.
Keep in mind that there’s no right or wrong way to feel on Valentine’s Day after losing your partner, whether it’s been one year or decades. And that it’s always okay to seek out support, no matter how long it might have been since they passed.
Looking for bereavement support?
Whether you’re looking for a helpline, therapy, a support group or anything else, you can find more info on bereavement support here.
Facing others’ expectations on Valentine’s Day
Everyone grieves differently. But not everyone understands this. You may find that around Valentine’s Day, you feel others expect you to feel or behave in a certain way. Try to not feel under pressure from others. This can already be a difficult time, and trying to meet societal expectations can make you feel overwhelmed or worse.
Instead, know that whatever you’re feeling is okay. Many people expect to feel sad. But irritation, anger, frustration, and emotional numbness are common too. It’s also okay to feel happy on this day. It doesn’t mean you loved or cared for your partner any less.
You may also face disenfranchised grief on Valentine’s Day. People tend to be more sympathetic to people who were married to their partner, or who’d been in a long-term relationship. But it’s completely normal to grieve more casual relationships. Whether the person who passed away was your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, casual partner or any other kind of relationship, it’s completely okay to grieve them.
Remembering your partner on Valentine’s Day
Looking for a way to commemorate your other half on Valentine’s Day? Spending the day remembering your loved one or doing things that remind you of them could help you to cope with grief on Valentine’s Day. Here are some suggestions.
Post on social media
On a day where your social media feeds will most likely be flooded with Valentine’s posts, you might find that creating a memorial post helps you to remember and celebrate your loved one. It also gives other people in your life a chance to show their support to you, giving them an avenue to start a conversation with you or share their stories about your partner. You might want to create a single post, with a picture and a quote, poem or memory in the caption. Or you could create a reel with videos of your favourite memories.
Go through your memories
You could find that going through your favourite memories you experienced with your partner helps. This could be scrolling through photos and videos in your phone or on social media. If you’re someone who keeps a hold of cards, notes or letters, you might want to take a look through these. In a similar way, if you created a memory box when they passed away, you might find that opening it on Valentine’s Day helps.
Avoiding Valentine’s Day after losing your partner
Spend time with family and friends
See whether any of your friends or family are free on Valentine’s Day. Spending time with people you love could help to distract you and lift your mood. If you’d rather not be surrounded by couples, you might want to avoid popular date locations, such as restaurants, cafes and bars. Some alternative options could include going on a scenic walk, ordering a takeaway, or watching a film at home with friends or family.
Treat Valentine’s Day as any other day
If you’d rather not mark Valentine’s Day at all, that’s completely fine. You can spend the day as you would any other day. Whether that’s working, catching up on your favourite TV show, cooking at home or anything else. This doesn’t have to be a significant day in your calendar if you don’t want it to be.
Steer clear of social media
Social media can be flooded with posts of people spending time with their partners on Valentine’s Day. If you think that this could upset you, you might want to consider coming off social media for the day. Sign out of platforms like Facebook and Instagram or consider using apps that have been created to lock you out of your account for a set amount of time.
Valentine’s Day grief quotes
If you’d like to remember your partner with a quote on Valentine’s Day – whether that’s as a caption on a social media post or just a few words to recite to yourself – you can find some ideas in our Valentine’s Day grief quotes below.
Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.
Death ends a life, not a relationship.
If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them.
To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.
Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face — I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you’ll learn to live with it... You will be whole again but you will never be the same.
Valentine’s grief poems
If a poem could help you express your Valentine’s Day grief, we’ve shared a couple of options below. We’ve chosen two poems that focus on love and loss. For more poems around Valentine’s Day and grief, you can read more poems for a partner here.
I Carry Your Heart With Me – E.E. Cummings
“i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)”
Read the full poem at the Poetry Foundation.
Grief And Love — Gajanan Mishra
“Grief and love both are
One and the same,
Grief is the price of love
And it never ends.”
Image by Luciann Photography on Pexels.
