Lance was ex-military. So when he died unexpectedly, his partner Hayley worked with his regiment to plan a funeral that celebrated his role as a rifleman.
“Lance was very kind and very caring. If you were struggling, he’d always go out of his way to help you. He was ex-military; his death was a veteran suicide. It was completely unexpected, so I didn’t know where to turn to be honest. We’d never discussed anything to do with funerals. All I knew was who he wanted to carry his coffin.
“When he died, his regiment got in touch with me and said they’d like to do a full military funeral. He was a rifleman, and they have a motto, ‘once a rifleman always a rifleman’. They’re very big on that. They said that even though he’s not here anymore, he’s still a rifleman and deserves a proper send-off. I was given a visiting officer who took care of the whole military side of the funeral. He’d run things past me and said what they’d do. I took care of the rest.
“I know Lance wouldn’t have liked something so grand. He wasn’t a fan of all the attention being on him. But for me, it was important for people to see him the way he deserved to be seen. To show him the respect he deserved. I really wanted that to shine through.”
When he died, his regiment got in touch with me and said they’d like to do a full military funeral. He was a rifleman, and they have a motto, ‘once a rifleman always a rifleman’.
“There was a lot to think about. I sat down with his best friend and had some initial conversations. Then I went to the first meeting at the funeral directors. I chose Hicktons and couldn’t fault them. They were amazing. They explained everything. Because Lance was quite a large man, very well built, we needed reinforced handles on the coffin so the riflemen could carry it. They suggested little things like that, things that you’d never really have thought of.”
The funeral
“Everything went smoothly on the day of the funeral. A couple of hundred people attended. He was Church of England, so we had the funeral at the church. The funeral cortège was led by a military horse with military colours on. He followed in a horse-drawn carriage. They were black horses with blue and white feathers for his football team, the Blues. The coffin was surrounded by flowers. He had funeral flowers that read ‘Daddy’, ‘Hero’, ‘Brother’ and ‘Son’. Then flowers in the shape of a truck, because he’d gone on to be a HGV driver after the military.
“He had a guard of honour going into the church. He was carried in by his best friends, brother and dad to the song that would’ve been our wedding song – ‘I’m Yours’ by The Script. Then we had an army song, written by a rifleman for his fellow soldiers. It’s called ‘Love Farewell’. Once his coffin was in the church it was dressed in the full military Union Jack and his headdress and medal were laid on top.
He was carried to his final resting place by the soldiers. They did a graveside tradition where they folded the flag from his coffin and presented it to me. Then they bugled ‘The Last Post’ as he was being lowered into his grave.
"A vicar led the service. There were 3 eulogies. The vicar read about Lance’s childhood. Then there was one from people in the army about his army career. Then I read about him being a partner and dad. There were a couple of poems too. His army friends wore his military tie and his friends and family wore royal blue to represent his love of Birmingham City Football Club. We played ‘Keep Right On’, the football club’s anthem, on the way out of the service.
“He was carried to his final resting place by the soldiers. They did a graveside tradition where they folded the flag from his coffin and presented it to me. Then they bugled ‘The Last Post’ as he was being lowered into his grave and laid to rest.”
After the funeral
“We held a wake for Lance at the Meadway Social Club. More people went to the wake than the funeral. I think about 300 people. He was very popular. It sounds morbid, but it was quite fun. It was decorated with his military colours and there were photos of him everywhere on all the tables. We had a memory book that people filled with their favourite memories with him. That’s for the kids to keep. For me, the most moving part of the day was the video we played at his wake. We’d made a video collage of him being silly, dancing, laughing, being happy. That was big for me.”
I think because it’s such a surreal time, you don’t take a lot of stuff in properly. But remember it’s okay to lean on your funeral director for support and guidance.
Hayley’s tips for planning a funeral
“Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to make decisions there and then. Take a bit of time to think about what you want. Look at the price. Don’t put pressure on yourself to do everything at one. I think because it’s such a surreal time, you don’t take a lot of stuff in properly. But remember it’s okay to lean on your funeral director for support and guidance.
"You should also be prepared for last minute changes. 2 days before the funeral, the council got in touch. Because Lance was a large man, they needed to charge us extra to dig extra ground for his grave. That was very unexpected and very last minute. But that’s what the funeral directors are there to help you with too. They can explain things and take some of that pressure off you.”
To thank Hayley for sharing her story, we’ve made a contribution to The Rifles in memory of Lance.
