A joint funeral for Pauline and Johnny

When her parents passed away within one week of each other, Louise decided to plan a joint funeral to celebrate the life they’d shared.

“Mum and Johnny (my dad) passed away within a week of each other. Johnny passed away on the 6th January 2023 and Mum passed away on the 13th. We didn’t really expect it. Mum had been unwell for a while. But Johnny was a Peter Pan type of character. He thought he’d live forever. Really, going around the same time was probably the kindest thing that could’ve happened to them. They’d become increasingly reclusive over the years and Mum would’ve really struggled without him. 

“When it came to planning the funeral, me and my sister didn’t really have a lot to go on. Johnny didn’t know he was going to die, and Mum was the type to sweep things like that under the carpet. There was no will. No funeral instructions. Nothing like that. We hadn’t been to many funerals ourselves either, so didn’t have much to base it all on. We just knew that we wanted to do what was best for them.” 

“Johnny was still in the hospital mortuary when Mum passed away in the same hospital. So we had them both collected together. We used Ashton Brookes in Altrincham and decided to have a joint funeral. We really wanted it to be about them as a couple. Their life together. Their story, travels, holidays, home, gardens. That ended up being one of the comforting parts about it all. My mum only had a week without Johnny, and she was only conscious and aware of what was going on for about 5 of those days. They spent their lives together and didn’t really have to deal with the loss of each other.” 

The funeral 

“The funeral went well. I don’t remember an awful lot of it happening. It was kind of a blur. There was a good turnout. We hadn’t announced it in the paper or anything like that. It can be quite expensive to do things that way – it’s counted as advertising space, so can come with quite a high cost. We just did a Facebook post letting people know instead. We’d booked a double slot at the crematorium seeing as it was a joint funeral. We didn’t want to feel rushed. It turned out we didn’t need that much time. But it was good to be cautious.” 

“The funeral directors had shared access to a lot of funeral cars, so we had the choice of a lot of different hearses. They did try to get us a double hearse, but there wasn’t one available for the day. So Mum and Johnny were taken in two hearses from the funeral directors. Nobody carried them into the crematorium, we didn’t have the capacity for that. Instead, they were wheeled in, which made things a lot easier. Mum went down the aisle first. Then Johnny. 

“They were placed in front of the catafalque, side by side. Afterwards, we realised that the catafalque at the front could’ve been adjusted to fit both of them behind the curtain. But we didn’t know that at the time. My sister had made two floral wreaths. She’s creative like that. She made them look like a wildflower garden with some pink in Mum’s. I’d made the order of services. That wasn’t about cost. It was more a gesture of us doing something for them. 

“The celebrant read the introduction and then a joint tribute to them. The whole service was done jointly. There were parts about them as individuals - when they were born, their upbringing, their childhoods with their brothers and sisters. But the rest was about them as a pair. There was a joint eulogy for them. Then I did a reading. It was a short part of ‘An Arundel Tomb’ by Philip Larkin. The few lines talk about two people living together and joining together in death.” 

“We had three different songs – one for the entrance, one for the reflection, and one for closing. We had an ongoing joke in our family about Johnny claiming Welsh heritage. He was a Jones and said all Jones are Welsh. We used to tease him, but he was right, it turned out he was Welsh. So for the entrance music, we chose a Welsh song - ‘Yma o Hyd’. It means something along the lines of “we’ll always be there, you’re never gonna grind us down”. Basically an old Welsh rebellion song… quite rousing. We got it translated for the funeral. I can speak some Welsh, but I’m a learner. 

“My sister chose the reflection song – ‘Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher’. Then to close we chose ‘The Wonder of You’ by Elvis. It was their song… their wedding song. That was the most emotional part of the day for me. I was okay until that. I think it’s because they used to play it to us as children. We always knew it was their song. The intro set me off immediately. 

“We decided that we didn’t want the curtain closed at the end. I just think it’s a bit morbid. It’s a personal thing and everyone’s different. But I just don’t like it. Luckily, me and my sister were in agreement on that one, so we just requested that the curtain stayed open as everyone left. 

“I remember enjoying the funeral in a strange way. The celebrant made it a celebration of them and the life they shared. It sounds odd when you say it. But it really felt like a good tribute to them.” 

After the funeral 

“We had a wake after the funeral. When we were growing up in our family home, we lived opposite a pub. So we just went there. We didn’t announce it to everyone. Instead, it was just family. The people we wanted to be there knew about it. We had a talk and a reminisce. We’d dug out some old photos and laid them out across a table for people to look at. There were photos of everyone - aunties, uncles, cousins, kids. We said to everyone to take whatever photos they wanted to. We have multiple copies of everything so wanted to make sure people could take any memories they wanted. 

“It works well as a conversation starter. Often the last time people at a funeral have spoken to each other will be the last funeral you were all at. People say let’s keep in touch, and they intend to. But then life takes over and it doesn’t happen. Having the photos gave everyone something to talk about, helping us all spend some quality time together.” 

Louise’s tips for planning a funeral 

“Remember that you have a lot of options. One thing I wish I’d known is that funerals don’t have to look how you imagine them. Everything doesn’t have to be traditional. There are things like direct cremations, woodland burials. You don’t even have to use a funeral director if you want to take things into your own hands. There are so many funeral directors out there starting to do things in new and different ways you might not have considered before. 

“You have so much more time than you think when you’re planning a funeral. Johnny was in the hospital mortuary for almost a month. We weren’t under any pressure to take him out. Hospitals and funeral directors can store people for longer than you think. So take your time. Don’t rush into things. Let the initial shock pass and give yourself time to process what’s happened. When you’re ready, do your research. Visit a few funeral directors to find the right one for you. It’s okay to take a step back before trying to plan everything. 

“I’m an advocate for people making funeral plans before they die too. Tell people what you want. Be open about it. It’s the only certainty isn’t it. There’s nothing certain in life other than that you will die eventually. So try to open up the conversation. You don’t have to wait until you’re ill to do it.”

To thank Louise for sharing her story, we’ve made a contribution to 4th Newall Green Guide Unit in memory of Pauline and Johnny.

Image credit: All images kindly provided by Louise