What a bereaved parent wants you to know

If you know someone who’s lost their child, it’s completely normal to feel unsure of what to say or do to support them. The death of a child is always tragic and often unexpected. But the fear of getting things wrong can often lead to people avoiding the parents during the most difficult time of their life.  

Hayley knows that child loss can be one of the most isolating situations you can face. Since losing her son Ollie, who was stillborn at 40 + 5 weeks, she’s worked to raise awareness of stillbirth and break the stigma surrounding baby loss. Here, she shares what a bereaved parent wants you to know, to help you understand what bereaved parents face and what you can do to help.  

Please don’t ignore or avoid us ; acknowledge our loss

“We know that baby loss can make people feel uncomfortable. People don’t know what to say. When a child or baby dies it’s so shocking that a lot of people can’t comprehend it. It’s so tragic and unimaginable that ignoring it can feel easier than facing it. But please don’t ignore or avoid us. I’ve had people literally cross the street to avoid me because they don’t know what to say. Please don’t do this. We notice. We notice you fade into the background, even if you think we have too much ‘going on’ to hear your silence, we do.

And we know why people do this. They’re worried they’re going to say the wrong thing. Or that we’ll start to cry or make a scene, they’re worried about upsetting us. But please don’t let our loss stop you from reaching out to us. Baby loss happens to 1 in 4. It’s much more common than people realise. It’s something that isn’t going away and the loss of a baby is an incredibly isolating experience.

“We know that you don’t know what to say to us. We know that it may be uncomfortable for you. But just say something . Even if it’s a text message. A card. Or just say, ‘I don’t know what to say but I’m so sorry for your loss’ or ‘I might not have answers but I’m here to listen and talk about your baby when you’re ready’. Saying something is always better than nothing.”

Don’t be afraid to talk about them  

“Of course, there will be some people who don’t want to talk about their baby for their own reasons which should be respected. But most bereaved parents do want to talk about them and their story. We want you to remember our child. Say their name. Talk about them. Raise their name in conversation, tell us when you’re thinking of them. I think people worry that by talking about them, you’re reminding us that they’re dead. Believe me, we know that they’re dead. But talking about them shows us that they lived too. That they were a person and that they are loved.”  

Remember important dates  

“In a similar way, it helps if you remember significant dates. Their due date. Their birthday. The anniversary of their passing Of course, not everyone will be able to remember all of these themselves, but write them down where possible, mark them in your calendar. Then make sure to reach out or send a message when the dates come around. The biggest way you can help a bereaved parent is remembering their child. All we want people to do is remember them. Include their names on Christmas cards, birthday cards, invitations – we want them to be included in whatever way we can.”

What to avoid saying  

“I think that when someone passes away, it’s very easy to say clichés or to try to put a positive view on things. But there are certain things that should never happen, such as the loss of a child. Please avoid saying regardless of your own beliefs examples such as ‘everything happens for a reason’, ‘it was all part of God’s plan, ‘God only takes the best’ or ‘they’re in a better place now’, ‘at least you have another child’, ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’. There’s no reason a baby should ever be taken from us. So, please avoid positive cliches.”  

Grief isn’t an illness, it’s a lifelong feeling

“It’s difficult because when you first lose a child, you’re in a hole of grief that is indescribable, it’s like physical pain. It doesn’t get ‘better’. Life will never be better without our child. But it does get easier to cope with. Just remember that grief isn’t an illness that can pass or can be fixed. So please don’t expect our grief to disappear after the funeral or after a set amount of time. We just learn to live with it. It becomes part of us, and we are never the same again. Society has the tendency to want to put a time limit on how we should or shouldn’t be feeling, but for bereaved parents the grief is a life sentence.”

Bereaved parents are good at hiding their grief

“Baby loss happens to 1 in 4 people. There could be people in your life who’ve been through it and you wouldn’t even know. You wouldn’t look at me in the street and know what’s happened to me. We become better at disguising our grief day to day. When people say sorry for your loss you learn to say thank you without crying. But remember the grief is always there in some form. I look at a picture of myself from before and I don’t know who that is. You need to find a way of being this new person who you didn’t choose to be. It’s forced upon you. But just because we appear to be ‘fine’ on the outside, please know there is a silence inside of us that is filled with grief.”

Grieving a child is  different to grieving an adult

“Losing a child or baby is an unnatural event. It upsets the order of how things should be - the order of life. A child should not die before a parent. A parent should never have to bury their child. Grief for a child is losing a whole lifetime. We have lost Christmases. Birthdays. First steps. First days at school. We’ve lost a whole life that we had planned out with our baby or child. It’s not just a pregnancy that was lost. When an adult passes away you have memories with them, shared experiences, things to celebrate and remember. A baby or child didn’t have that opportunity. They’ve had limited opportunity, but still a life. However long we carried them for, they lived. Please don’t try to compare one type of grief to another. Grief cannot be compared.”

People’s views can change when they lose a child

“You can’t be the same after you lose a baby. A part of you dies with them. When you carry a child, they’re a part of you. When they die a part of you dies with them. The aftermath, the trauma, the grief. You can’t be the same after that. It’s normal for things to feel tinged with sadness. We’re different people. Elements of our old self are still there. We may look the same. Go the same places. Do the same things. Laugh at the same things. But the way we view and treat life can be different. Some people will develop mental health problems and might need support with that. The way we view life can become different. I now expect the worse to happen because the worst did happen. Catastrophising. Some parents will have a new burst of life. What’s happened can reaffirm that life is short, and some people will decide to take advantage of every second of it. It reforms your way of seeing the world.”

Everyone grieves differently

“Every parent is different. Some bereaved parents don’t want to talk about it or acknowledge it publicly. Some people do. I want to talk about my son Ollie all the time. What’s important is to never judge a grieving parent. Grief isn’t linear. It doesn’t follow a set path. And there’s no right or wrong way of grieving or remembering and honouring your child. I choose to honour Ollie’s birthday each year. For example, I have Ollie’s ashes displayed in my living room, I refer to him often. Some parents may remember their baby quietly or don’t want to at all. How each parent chooses to remember and grieve their child is their choice. You might not understand what a bereaved parent is doing. You might think you’d do things different. But please reserve judgement wherever possible.”