If you’ve experienced loss, Tonkin’s model of grief could help you to understand how you’re feeling and give you better ways to cope with your grief. Lois Tonkin was a professional grief counsellor who helped lots of people to lead a happy and healthy life around their grief. Hopefully, our summary of the model can help you in the same way.
Tonkin’s model of grief
Lois Tonkin came up with the idea of “growing around grief” when she was talking to one of her clients who’d lost a child. The woman was trying to explain that her grief took up and controlled every part of her day-to-day life. She drew a circle to represent her life and coloured in the amount that was consumed by grief. When she finished, the circle was completely full.
Tonkin’s model of grief says that your grief won’t be this consuming forever. Tonkin suggests that these painful feelings will always form a part of your life and you as a person. She also acknowledges that there may be times, years down the line, where you feel your grief just as intensely as if the loss had just happened. But she also points out that you will grow around your grief.
Imagine the circle that Tonkin’s client drew. The shaded part doesn’t necessarily get smaller. It will always be there. But the outer line of the circle will grow bigger over time. New experiences, new people and new memories can all cause the circle’s outline to grow. Eventually, the shaded area won’t be all consuming. It will still be there, but it won’t take up as much of your time, emotions and thoughts.
Some people prefer to visualise this growing around grief model as a ball in a jar. Imagine putting a ball in a jar that it just about fits in. This is when your grief is recent and all consuming – there isn’t any room for anything else in the jar. But over time, the jar grows and you’ll find yourself with more space in your jar to store other things. The grief will still be there, but over time, there’ll be more room for happiness and joy.
How the Tonkin model of grief can help
The idea of being able to grow around grief can give you comfort during your lowest points. Though grief doesn’t grow smaller, you grow around it and things won’t always feel this way. But if your grief feels overwhelming or unavoidable right now, make sure you ask for help from those around you. And remember you can get free support from a professional counsellor from organisations such as Cruse Bereavement Care.
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