Coping with loss is never straightforward. And when the circumstances around that loss are unclear this can make the grieving process even more complicated.

Here, we’ll talk about the meaning of ambiguous loss, what triggers it, and what coping mechanisms you can use to live with any unanswered questions you may have.

What is ambiguous loss?

Ambiguous loss is when you’ve lost someone or something but there is a lack of information about what’s happened. It’s a type of grief without closure. When someone close to you passes away of known causes, even if it’s sudden, we can at least understand what’s happened and work through it. But ambiguous loss doesn’t give you that same feeling of closure or ability to say goodbye.

The term ambiguous loss was coined by therapist, Dr Pauline Boss. She determined that the uncertainty of ambiguous loss can be one of the most difficult types of grief to cope with. This is because the lack of closure can make it difficult to start what’s known as the traditional process of grieving.

Types of ambiguous loss

There are 2 main types of ambiguous loss:

The physical loss of a person. This could be due to a natural disaster – when you don’t know where a loved one is and if they’re safe or not. When someone is physically absent in this way and their circumstances aren’t known, this can lead to ambiguous loss and grief. This type of ambiguous loss can also be triggered by a loss of contact with someone, for example, if you get a divorce.
The psychological loss of a person. This could be due to a brain injury or degenerative condition such as dementia where the person’s memory and personality changes. This is more commonly known as causing ambiguous loss and grief. It’s because the person is still physically here, but not as you knew them.

Examples of ambiguous grief

Even though these are the 2 main types of ambiguous loss it’s important to note that it can also be caused by other complicated situations.

Here are some more examples of situations that could trigger ambiguous loss and grief in someone:

If someone is struggling with a drug or alcohol addiction, then they may not communicate with family members regularly. This can lead family members to experience a sense of loss, not knowing if the person struggling with addiction is safe and well.
If someone has been the victim of a violent crime or kidnapping and their whereabouts are not known, this can cause ambiguous loss and grief in their friends and family members.
If someone is in the armed forces and working in unsafe areas or war zones, they may not always be able to talk with their family or even let them know where they are. This lack of information can lead to ambiguous loss and grief, especially when family members have not heard from them in a long time.
Family members of immigrants may not be able to communicate with their loved ones or know whether they are safe or have somewhere to live. This uncertainty can trigger ambiguous loss and grief.
Amputees can also experience ambiguous loss. The shift in the way that your body works and how you see yourself can cause you to experience similar feelings of grief as those who’ve lost a loved one.

Symptoms of ambiguous loss

How does ambiguous loss affect the grieving process? Some people may experience grief but be able to carry on with their everyday life. But some people may feel stuck, unable to carry on as normal. Some people can often get stuck in one of the stages of grief and feel unable to move on. The stress can cause symptoms such as:

Anxiety
Confusion
Depression
Insomnia
Physical symptoms such as headaches, lack of appetite, and digestive issues

It’s also normal for someone experiencing ambiguous loss to experience complicated grief. This is when grief symptoms are intense and can last for a long time, having an impact on your daily life.

How to cope with ambiguous loss

Coping with ambiguous loss isn’t straightforward. Lots of people struggling with it might never find closure. But there are some things you can do to help you live with it. Here are a few ideas on how to cope with ambiguous loss:

Aim for acceptance instead of closure. Looking for answers when you’re experiencing ambiguous loss is normal – our brains naturally search for the answers to problems. But it can be unhelpful and make you feel worse. Work towards acceptance instead of clear-cut answers. Of course, this will take time. But it can help you cope with your circumstances and eventually learn to live with it.
Recognise that your feelings are valid. Just because your situation is complicated that doesn't mean that you’re not allowed to grieve. The way you’re feeling is completely normal. And recognising that can help you move through the 5 stages of grief and live with your loss.
Take care of yourself. Get the rest you need, eat healthily if you can, and get outside if you have time. Making this time for yourself will help you manage your stress levels more effectively.
Think about your triggers. Do you have a family celebration coming up? Or a date in the diary that could catch you off guard? There are bound to be events that intensify your loss. So it might help you to plan something in advance so that you around people who understand the significance of the date and what you’re going through.
Get professional help. Talking to a therapist or bereavement counsellor about what you’re going through can help you work through it and live with your grief. It can be easier than speaking with family members or friends especially if they’re also going through ambiguous loss.
Find meaning by helping others. Some people find that getting involved in a cause or helping others in a similar situation can help. It’ll help you remember the person you’ve lost in a positive way, and you might also find peer support through the process too.